i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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