You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
