I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
