i can't believe i had my finger in that
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
