At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
