I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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