And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
