in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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