Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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