i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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