My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
