You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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