Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
