He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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