from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
