Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
