in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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