I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hippo gnu deer
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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