I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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