Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
