I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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