mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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