i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
