I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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