Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
