Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
