I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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