The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
