Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize