Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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