im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
