I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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