Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
