I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
