I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
