You can't motorboat a personality
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
