Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
