it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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