Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
