..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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