I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
