Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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