I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
