So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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