I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
