The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
