lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
