the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
