i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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