Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
