Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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