Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
