it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
