So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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