i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
