The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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