The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
