I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
