The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
